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THE WITMARK STAGE PUBLICATIONS 






v. 



^ 



The 
Hired Girl's 



Novel and Original Playlet for 
Children or Grown-Ups 



IN ONE ACT 

BY 

CHARLES 
NOEL DOUGLAS 

PRICE 25 CENTS 




"^ 



/'■J 








M. WITMARK & SONS 

New York Chicago San Francisco London Paris Melbourne 



COMIC STORIES AND TALES 

EDITION DE LUXE. (Illustrated by Keller.) 
"CASEY AT THE BAT." 

The recitation made famous by that well-known 

comedian, DE WOLF HOPPER. 
No matter what role Mr. Hopper is playing or in 
what part of the country he is, his audience always 
calls for "CASEY." 

The universal demand for an edition exactly as re- 
cited by Mr. Hopper induced us to issue one that is 
absolutely correct. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 
"COURTING UNDER DIFFICULTIES." 
An Absurdity for Story Tellers. By Frank Dumont 
In relating this tale the entertainer shows how his 
old friend, who is the chief officer of a prominent 
organization, endeavors to "pop the question" to a 
buxom widow. He starts off all right, and is getting 
along famously when he suddenly becomes excited and 
incoherent, and before he or the fair damsel, at whose 
feet he is prostrated, realizes what's what, he finds 
himself alternating the lines of his proposal with the 
speech he prepared to deliver before his organization. 
The "confusion" that follows is most original in con- 
ception and cleverly worked out. The right novelty for 
a bright monologist. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 
"HOW I DIED AT SAN JUAN." 
An Eccentric Narrative. By Frank Dumont. 
An "absolutely different" monolog or story from 
everything else published. The entertainer wanders 
through a "dream" of the species '*pipe" and tells some 
of the most fantastical experiences and achievements 
imaginable. The surprise finish to this vivid descrip- 
tion cannot fail to create vociferous enthusiasm and 
laughter. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 

"THE CRUSHED ACTOR," 

YOU CAN'T KILL HIM. 

A Screamingly Funny Interlude 

Arranged by Frank Dumont. 

CAST. 

Mr. Golddust Gotrox. 

Lucy Gotrocks. 

Footlight Barnstormer, a reduced actor. 
Chrisfield Moke, a crab and fish vender. 
A most excellent comedy sketch for two comedians, 
one soubrette and one leading man. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 

M. WITMARK & SONS 

87 Witmark Bldg. New York 

POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 



The Hired Girl's Dream 

Novel and Original Playlet for Children or 
Grown-Ups 

IN ONE ACT 

By 
CHARLES NOEL DOUGLAS 




Published By 

M. WITMARK & SONS 

NEW YORK CHICAGO SAN FRANCISCO 
LONDON PARIS MELBOURNE 



Copyright MCMXIII by M. WITMARK d: SONS 
International Copyright Secured 






SYNOPSIS 



Bridget, a hired girl given to dreaming and to the 
destruction of dishes, and disgusted with her posi- 
tion in hfe, shows her displeasure by abusing the 
furniture, pots, and pans, or any article intrusted to 
her care. One evening after the dishes are done, 
Bridget, unusually tired and disgruntled, falls asleep 
and dreams that the much-abused kettles and cans, 
etc., appear before her in a body to decide upon the 
vengeance they threaten shall overtake her. 

One of the greatest novelties known to the stage, 
this little playlet is brimming with interest. 

Duration of Play: Thirty or forty minutes. 
Time: Present. 

The scene is laid in a kitchen of the ordinary type. 
No attempt at scenery is necessary. A plain siieet 
stretched across stage or parlor will suffice. A large 
number of characters are introduced, so that a great 
many children or grown-ups can take part in the 
presentation of this piece. On the other hand, the 
piece can be given by a small cast, omitting the 
speeches allotted to some of the kitchen utensils and 
household furniture. Any one of average intelli- 
gence can adjust this, and the play will be in no wise 
injured by this pruning. Particularly where plays 
are presented by school children, a large number of 
characters are usually desired, and for this reason a 
great many characters have been introduced into 
"The Hired Girl's Dream.'' The policeman and 
Queen of Bad Dreams are the only characters that 
need to be costumed. Bridget can be played neatly 
or as a slattern, at the performer's discretion. 



1^ 

§)CLD 34979 



THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 



DIRECTIONS 

Those portraying kitchen utensils and furniture 
can wear a piece of cardboard suspended from the 
neck by tape or string. On each cardboard or sign, 
the character represented by the performer can be 
printed in bold black letters. A professional com- 
pany would be able, of course, to costume the char- 
acters of chair, piano, stove, etc. For home or 
school entertainment this would probably be impos- 
sible. Some of the performers may, however,_ be 
ingenious enough to manufacture articles of papier- 
mache, to represent the characters, and thus 
heighten the realistic effect of the production. It 
would be easy, for instance, to make a tea kettle 
that would fit on the performer's head, likewise a 
frying pan, mirror, knife and fork, potato masher, 
etc. These and all other articles could be made in 
miniature. This is left to the discretion of the per- 
formers. 

NOTE. — The acting rights of this playlet are ex- 
pressly reserved by the publishers, to whom theatri- 
cal managers and performers who wish to produce 
it should apply. Amateur representation may be 
made without such application and without charge. 



DIAGRAM OF STAGE,. 

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AUDIENCE.. 

L. I. E. — Left first entrance. 
R. I. E. — Right first entrance. 
L. U. E. — Left upper entrance. 
C. — Centre of stage. 
R. C. — Right centre of stage. 
L. C. — ^Left centre of stage. 

C. D. — Centre door. 

D. R. C. —Door right centre. 
D. L. C— Door left centre. 



CHARACTERS 

Bridget .... A hired girl given to dream- 
ing, and to the destruction 
of dishes. In love with 
Mike. 

Bedelia .... a waitress, Bridget's rival for 

Mike's affections. 

Mrs. Slave Driver Bridget's mistress. All that 

her name implies. 

Nightmare Queen The evil sprite of Slumber- 
land. 

Officer Maloney. In love with Bridget. Divided 

between love and duty. 

Representatives of Parlor 

Clock Given to striking. 

Piano Upright and tony, but often 

unstrung. 

Mirror .... Given to reflection. 

Stove Sporty and fond of going out 

nights. 

Morris Chair . . A chair with a grievance, sat 

on as usual. 

Folding Bed . . The butt of lying people. 

Lamp Addicted to smoking. 

Picture .... That objects to being hung. 

Carpet .... Enslaved and trodden under- 
foot. 

Lounge .... Objects to set-tea. 

Representatives of Kitchen 

Kettle .... A vocal expert, given to sing- 
ing. 

Rolling Pin . . A high roller. 

Platter .... All broken up as usual. 

Kni-fe and Fork . On edge and desirous of cut- 
ting their friends. 

Frying Pan . . . With an objection to hot fat. 

Potato Masher . On the mash. 

Broom . . . . . Ready for a clean sweep. 



The Hired Girl's Dream 

At rise of curtain, Bridget is discovered in center 
of stage, with a rolling pin in her right hand, a plate 
in her left, and a dish towel thrown over her left 
arm. At the back of her is a kitchen table and chair. 
While Bridget is talking she can polish the plate 
with the towel, placing the rolling pin under her left 
arm while doing so, or on a chair. She can breathe 
on the plate as if trying to get an extra good polish, 
occasionally sneeze on it, and give it a rub on her 
hip. One's sense of comedy will suggest a great 
deal of funny business that can be produced with 
the aid of the rolling pin and platter during Bridget's 
somewhat lengthy speech. If Bridget is a talented 
actress her speech will not be too long. If this char- 
acter is represented by a person of mediocre ability, 
the speech can be cut to half its present length with- 
out injuring the performance. 
Bridget. 

A hired girl's life is a pretty tough lot. 
Standing all day o'er a range red hot. 
Broiling a steak or cooking a stew, 
With the temp-rature a hundred and two. 
Oh, this hustling pots, and juggling pans, 
Is tough on the Bridgets and Mary Anns. 
They say that we reign in a world serene, 
The uncrowned queens of the soup tureen. 
I'm Empress of frying pan, skillet, and pot. 
And a lot of other nonsensical rot, 
Alone in a world, that no one approaches, 
Realm of toil, and grease, and roaches. 
I did have a friend, he called me his pearl. 
But he threw me down for the upstairs girl. 
'Tis a subject I prefer not to broach, 
As it tugs at my heart — oh, drat that roach ! 

(Hammers floor with rolling pin) 



THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 7 

Honest, them things, they give me a fright — 
Thought he'd dodged me, but I soaked him, all 
right. 

{Picks roach off rolling pin; throws 
it on floor and stamps on it.) 
We've millions of these, and Missus, oh, my ! 
Kicks 'cause she finds them in soup and in pie. 
As if such trifles was cause for a kick. 
Honest, them Missuses make me sick. 
Her kicks I scorn, and say, as I face her, 
I'm not engaged as no cockroach chaser. 
The things they expects of a hired girl — say, 
Would turn your hair white in a single day. 
If a burglar's hid upstairs 'neath a bed, 
Bridget grabs him, and gets pumped full of lead. 
When folks come with bills, it's really a crime, 
It's "Missus is out," though she's in all the time. 
The bulldog bites me, and I drop like a log. 
Then they swear the bite has poisoned the dog. 
Here let me confess, and don't think me rude. 
There ain't an inch of me Fido ain't chewed. 
They're too mean to feed him, consequence he. 
When rav'nous and hungry, dines off of me. 
House full of comp'ny, I'm turned out of bed ; 
I sleep in the sink or the ice box instead. 
I've heard it remarked, at least so I think, 
'Tain't healthy to sleep with your head in the sink. 
While there's so many roaches, this much is true. 
There ain't room in the sink for them and me, too. 
And, talking of food, the Missus is mean, 
One lamb chop does as a meal for sixteen. 
When dinner is o'er. Missus says — this is true — 
You can have Fido's bones when Fido is through. 
At polishing bones, say, Fido is deft; 
When Fido gets through,' there ain't very much 

left. 
It's toil, toil, toil, naught but slav'ry; oh, dear, 
For sixteen a month, and one day off a year. 



8 THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 

When the china I've smashed, it is docked from 

my pay, 
There ain't much in wages a-coming my way. 
Folks think we've a snap ; but say, at a pinch, 
The hired girl's life, bet your life, ain't a cinch. 

(Yawns) 
I can feel that tired feeling begin to approach, 
I was born tired and sleepy — drat that roach ! 

(Makes swipe for roach with rolling 
pin, hitting the floor several times, and 
running hither and thither) 
Got him, you bet — my, but didn't he fly ; 
There's one roach, at least, they won't find in the 

pie. 
If Mickey, the cop, hadn't gone back on me, 
In a home of my own, perchance, I might be. 

(Cries and brushes tears into plate) 
Never thought that plate would catch tears of 

mine. 

(Rubs plate vigorously) 
Well, nothing like tears to make a plate shine. 
Roaches in millions round them could tear, 
Dishes stay dirty for aught that I'd care. 
Sleep day and night, that's all that I'd do. 
And work? (Yawns) well, Mickey, I'd leave that 

to you. (Sits down) 

And this joy might be mine, life one blissful whirl, 
But love's dream's been spoiled by the upstairs 

girl. 
Let me sleep and forget — sleep, I don^t dare; 
Whenever I sleep, I get the nightmare. 
Then furniture, dishes, and all come to haunt me, 
Parlor and kitchen rise up to taunt me. 
Meetings they hold and fiercely denounce me ; 
The rolling pin comes and starts in to trounce me. 
The worst part of all, the part I dislike. 
The upstairs girl walks off with my Mike. 
But sleep I must, kind Providence, pray, 



THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 9 

Night mares and night horses, keep out of my 
way. 

(Falls fast asleep and snores, with 
rolling pin in one hand and plate in 
the other) 
(Enter Furniture and Kitchen Utensils.) 
(Performers representing furniture enter from 
right. Kitchen articles from left. All enter on tip- 
toe, and surround Bridget and shake fists at her. 
Parlor clock takes center to the right of Bridget.) 
Parlor Clock 

Friends of parlor and kitchen, I've just struck. 
Rolling Pin 

You're always striking. 
Parlor Clock 

That's just my luck. 
I only struck one, not much, you'll agree. 
Frying Pan 

Only struck one, glad that one wasn't me. 
Platter 

Into family matters I'd rather not delve. 
Glad I wasn't round when you struck twelve. 

Parlor Clock 

Good friends, this meeting to order I call. 

All 

The clock will preside by vote of us all. 

Parlor Clock 

Friends, I thank you for the honor conferred. 
You've made me chairman, and I give my word, 
To do my best in this hour bewitchin'. 
To uphold the dignity of parlor and kitchen. 

Morris Chair 

Dignity ! Kitchen ! what rot ! 

Frying Pan 

That's a snub ; 

If shy on dignity, we've got the grub. 
For style the parlor I know can't be beat. 



£0 THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 

Knife 

What good is style, when you've nothing to eat. 
Parlor Clock 

Order, dear friends, pray, let silence reign. 
Morris Chair 

Friends ! - . 

Parlor Clock 

Morris be silent. 

Morris Chair Sat on again. 

All 

Respect the chair's orders, or business you'll 
block. 
Morris Chair (pointing at clock)' 

Fudge ! he's not a chair, he's only a clock. 
Parlor Clock 

We've met here, dear friends, to-night to protest 

At the way that we're treated; I'm much dis- 
tressed 

At the villainous way the hired girl behaves. 

{Bridget snorts and squirms uneasily 
in her chair) 

She treats us as though we were nothing but 
slaves. 

All the year round I keep ticking away. 

No rest for me ; do you call that fair play ? 
Lounge 

Go on strike. 
Parlor Clock 

I do every hour, day and night. 
Morris Chair 

If I'd your hands, I'd put up a stiff fight. 
Parlor Clock 

Two hands I have, and they add to my charms, 

But what use are hands without any arms ? 
Lamp 

Quit working at once, the time business drop. 
Morris Chair 

When he gets wound up, he simply can't stop, 



THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM ii 

Parlor Clock 

Rolling Pin, please, strict order maintain. 
Rolling Pin 

Morris, I'll swat you. 
Morris Chair 

Sat on again. 
Parlor Clock 

But what breaks my heart and makes me aghast, 

The folks in the house declare that I'm fast. 

This fact to the world I proudly proclaim : 

My morals are perfect. 
All 

It's a shame, shame, shame. 
Parlor Clock 

To be accused thus, now, honest, I won't; 

The stove goes out nights, but believe me I don't. 

I stay on the mantelpiece, good as can be. 
Stove 

What's that, Mr. Clock, you said about me? 

Attacking my character. It's a disgrace. 

Retract, Mr. Clock, or I'll alter your face. 

{Puts up hands in fighting attitude) 
All 

Order, pray, order; such talk is a sin. 
Kettle 

Just like the Clock he's bound to chime in. 

If your feelings are hurt. Friend Stove, I rise, 

And here before all I apologize. 
Piano 

Cease this discussion, it makes me unstrung. 
Picture 

Friends, let's have peace. 
Morris Chair 

Its time you were hung. 
Picture 

Hung ! I'm hung all my life to a miserable wall. 
Morris Chair 

Well, keep hanging on, and mind you don't fall. 



12 THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 

Parlor Clock (To Morris Chair) 

From these rude remarks I wish you'd refrain. 
Rolling Pin 

Morris, behave. 
Morris Chair 

Pshaw ! sat on again. 

Parlor Clock 

One grievance, and then, dear friends, I will quit ; 
Though I go day and night, I don't move a bit, 
I've hands and a face, but misery's dregs 
I've drained to the depths, because I've no legs. 
The meanest injustice that's under the sun, 
They give me no legs, yet insist that I run. 
The chairs, the lounge with exquisite gall. 
Have four legs apiece, and don't move at all. 
Excuse me, dear friends, while these tears I shed. 

(Weeps) 

Morris Chair 

Don't mind the clock, he's got wheels in his head. 

Frying Pan 

To insult the clock's a shame and disgrace. 

Morris Chair 

I tell you all straight I don't like the clock's face. 
All 

Shame, Morris Chair, your talk is too free. 
Morris Chair 

That's always the case, they all sit on me. 

Parlor Clock 

One second, dear friends, and then I'll be through 
I've a grievance that makes me so terribly blue. 
A rag, Bridget digs each morn from its place. 
And rubs that old rag all over my face, 
And every eighth day she gets an old key. 
And jabs that iron weapon clean into me. 
Right in my "innards" the mis'rable sinner 
Hurt — I should guess, I can't keep down my 
dinner. 



THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 13 

All 

The practice is cruel, wicked, unlawful. 
Parlor Clock 

It gives me ''dyspepsee," too, something awful. 

The cause of my torture lies there a snoring. 
All 

Our troubles and woes idly ignoring. 
Parlor Clock 

Bridget let's censure by unanimous vote, 

The wickedest human on land or afloat. 
All (surround Bridget threateningly, shaking their 
fists at her) 

From the face of nature let Bridget be cleaned, 

Bridget the monster, the terror, the fiend. 

(Resume original positions) 
Parlor Clock 

The piano now will the meeting address. 
Piano 

I'm known to you all, dear friends, and I guess, 

Of the parlor I am the monarch and king. 
Morris Chair 

You're stuck on yourself, you noisy old thing. 
Piano 

To needless discussion, pray let's have a truce, 

Music, not noise, sir, is what I produce. 

I'm upright and tony, and give myself airs, 

Superior far, to mere tables and chairs. 

While kitchen utensils must toil all the day, 

And furniture likewise, I do naught but play. 
Table 

Play in the parlor at once should be barred, 

If he wants to play let him play in the yard. 
Folding Bed 

This play, play, play simply gives me a pain. 
Frying Pan 

Silence, there, folding bed. 
Folding Bed 

I'm shut up again. 



14 THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 

Piano 

In my interior melody lingers 
Harmony springs from a lady's fair fingers. 
My action is perfect and so is my tone, 
My polish is French, I come from a zone. 
Or rather a realm, the royal realm of Art. 

Morris Chair (C ontemptuously) 

I saw that piano yanked out of a cart. 
And he's no cause to put on any airs. 
Took six men to boost the piano upstairs. 
And the way that he wobbled, 'twas last October, 
It didn't strike me as though he was sober. 
His royal realm of art I'll permit you to scan. 
Furniture wagon, and an instalment man. 
Art and polish, what presumption, what cheek. 
You can buy him for a dollar a week. 
And to prove his principles are not right 
He puts his old dark-keys above the white. 

Parlor Clock 

Order, order, from abuse please refrain, 

Rolling Pin 
Morris, be silent. 

Morris Chair 

Sat on again. 

Piano 

A few more remarks, and then I will close, 
I have my troubles, they're fierce goodness knows. 
Bridget, the hired girl, in manner unlawful. 
Hammers my keys, and sings simply awful. 
All rules of music religiously scorning. 
She plays : "St. Patrick's Day in the Morning," 
Uses both fists, she takes all the medals. 
Beats time too with both feet on the pedals. 
Bridget the hired girl's a fraud and a meddler, 

Morris Chair 

By the way she plays, I guess she's a peddler. 

Parlor Clock 

Let's all in chorus the hired girl denounce. 



THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 15 

(All gather round Bridget threaten- 
ingly) 
Wretch ! Villain ! Monster ! Fiend ! you'll get the 
bounce. 

(Bridget groans and wiggles in chair) 

Parlor Clock 

On the mirror now for a speech I call. 

Mirror 

For your kindness, thanks, dear friends, one and 

all. 
Troubles I have beyond your conception, 
Studious I am and giv'n to reflection. 
IVe no legs or arms, locomotion's denied, 
And so to a shelf all my life I am tied. 
And what makes my life full of grim misery, 
Not a soul in the house but stares straight at me. 

Morris Chair 

What! stare at a homely old guy like you? 

Mirror 

Withhold your remarks, sir, until I am through. 
It upsets me quite to be stared at so, 
But what strikes me as the crudest blow," 
That hired girl, Bridget, each morning at six. 
Her wretched nose up against me sticks. 
I try hard to run and 'phone the police, 
But I'm helplessly nailed to that old mantel- 
piece, 
While Bridget before me squirms and grimaces, 
Making all sorts of hideous faces, 
"When it comes to beauty," she'll say joyfully, 
"There ain't no flies p'rambulating on me." 
Then off she trips with this sarcastic fling, 
"Oh, ain't the mirror a 'gilty' old thing." 
O'er her your hands in anathema stretch. 

All 

(Surround Bridget threateningly) 
Bridget, the villain, the monster, the wretch. 



i6 THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 

Morris Chair 

Bridget is right, and though blood may be spilt, 

I contend that the mirror shows plainly its gilt. 
Mirror 

This insult, sir, I just won't abide it. 
Morris Chair 

Your gilt all can see, and you cannot hide it. 
Lamp 

Good, Morris Chair, that's a capital joke. 

If no one objects, say, I'll take a smoke. 
Parlor Clock 

No smoking allowed, or there will be vi'lence. 
Lamp 

I won't smoke aloud, I'll just smoke in silence. 
Stove 

As a smoker, you're an inferior type. 

He smokes an old chimney, I smoke a pipe. 
Kettle 

This trivial jesting just makes me boil, 

The lamp is in league with the Standard Oil. 
Lamp 

Friends, I resent this most insolent fling. 
Morris Chair 

He's full of wicks, he's a wicked old thing. 
Lamp 

Well, I could throw light on the subject in hand. 
Rolling Pin 

Yes, Oil Trust light, we all understand. 
Parlor Clock 

Oh, come, Mr. Stove, now this riot is through ; 

We'd like to have some remarks, sfr, from you. 
Stove 

I won't say much, but bet every dollar, 

I'm red hot and mad right under the collar. 

I'm a hot proposition, real warm babee. 
Morris Chair 

That's why you go out at nights, too, maybe. 

I heard Bridget say that you sparked all the time. 



THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 17 

Potato Masher 

Like me, he's a masher, I'll bet every dime. 
Stove 

For that rude remark you need a good thrashing. 

I'm constantly ashing, but never mashing. 

And if I did mash, well, just bet your gaiters, 

I wouldn't waste time a-mashing potaters. 

(All laugh) 
Potato Masher 

Missus oft raises me up in her hand. 

And then on the head of Bridget I land. 

On occasions like that by hook or by crook, 

I don't mash potatoes, I mash the cook. 
Parlor Clock 

Keep order. Rolling Pin, order restore. 

Proceed, Mr. Stove, interruptions ignore. 
Stove 

My grievance is this, on my system it jars, 

I have to smoke coal, while preferring cigars. 

And though doing my best (and this makes me 
tired), 

Every day of my life by Bridget I'm fired. 

I rise- in rebellion, my soul is aflame. 
Parlor Clock 

Let's all censure Bridget. 
All Shame, monster, shame. 

(Characters gather round Bridget, 
and raise hands in imprecation, and 
then resume positions as before) 
Morris Chair 

I move that the lounge doth now set-tea 
Lounge 

Don't work that old chestnut, sir, ofif on me. 

Set-tea : that remark stabs me like a knife, 

I've had to set-tea all the days of my life. 

This settee business fills me full of dread. 
Morris Chair 

If you won't set tea, set coffee instead. 



i8 THE HIRED GIRUS DREAM 

Parlor Clock 

The Lounge will favor us now with a speech. 

Lounge 

Now I don't want to scold, and I don't want to 

preach, 
But honest, my life is plumb full of woes. 
Listening to folks who come here to propose. 
And listen I must, for immediately 
The old folks retire, they all squat on me, 
And do their love making ; each word I can hear, 
And honest it makes my insides feel so queer. 
It's ''darling" and **dovey" and "sweet popsy 

woo," 
"Honey" and "precious," and " 'oo's baby is 'oo?" 
And Bridget, at intervals, sneaks in the cop, 
And down upon me those common folks flop, 
The way that they spoon is sickening to see. 
And Bridget she kisses him right before me. 
I cannot set tea or set coffee to-day, 
I'll just have to lounge in my usual way, 
And bid you to join me in this imprecation. 

All {approaching Bridget threateningly) 
Bridget, fiend, pest, disgrace to the nation. 

Parlor Clock 

I call on the carpet its sorrows to tell, 

Carpet 

Such sorrows as mine, naught but death can dis- 

- pel, 
The chair complains that it's sat on, but see. 
The folks in the house wipe their feet upon me. 
I'm trod on and helpless, nailed to the floor. 
But what makes me furious, what makes me sore, 
I'm thrifty and save all the dust that I can. 
But Bridget, the wretch, twice yearly will plan 
To steal my wealth, of my precious dust cheat me. 

Hangs me 'cross a line, to death almost beats me. 
Bridget's out for the dust. 



THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 19 

Morris Chair 

And she gets it, all right. 
Carpet 

I'm beaten and robbed, in a terrible plight. 

Thus am I treated, one thought must console, 

I'm the one thing on earth that comes next to 
man's sole. 

Friends, join with me, and from earth let us 
thrust 

The hired girl who beats me, and steals all my 
dust. 
All (approaching Bridget threateningly) 

From the face of creation may Bridget be cleaned. 

Villain, wretch, monster, lobster, and fiend. 
Morris Chair 

Can I tell my woes, my troubles reveal? 
Parlor Clock 

'Tis useless for you to make any appeal. 

You've arms and you've legs, you get pity from 
none ; 

If you don't like your job, just fight, sir, or run. 

Folding Bed, please, now from you let us hear. 
Folding Bed 

Pardon, while I from my eyes wipe a tear ; 

You will ask why these tears are running so free, 

'Tis because the folks all lie about me, 

It gets on my nerves to have people lying 

On me day and night, now, honest, it's trying. 

And when I complain, to fill sorrow's cup. 

Contemptible Bridget, she shufs me right up. 

Her neck with a rope I'd just like to stretch. 
All {approaching Bridget threateningly) 

Bridget, villain, contemptible wretch. 
Parlor Clock 

Our friends of the kitchen will speechify next. 

Mr. Frying Pan, please. 
Frying Pan 

My, but I'm vexed ! 



20 THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 

You talk of your troubles, you talk of your woes, 
But wait for a moment till mine I disclose. 
Bridget, the villain, she ought to be shot; 
She stands me all day on a range that's red hot, 
My shrill cries for mercy that wretched girl 

spurns, 
My poor skin she blisters with hideous burns, 
And just as I start in to call the police 
She fills me chock full of horrible grease. 
To have one's inside loaded up with hot fat — 

All 

'Tis a monstrous outrage! Bridget! Fiend! Cat! 
{The last three words are spoken as 
characters surround Bridget) 

Platter 

I guess that I can address the meeting, 
My life is short and time is fleeting. 
I'm only a dish, a poor, humble platter. 
And into fragments I shortly shall scatter. 

Stove 

Don't let the dish talk, he's only a whiner. 

Morris Chair 

He's not a dish, he's a butt-in from China. * 

Platter 

Down on the floor the hired girl she sticks me, 
And then the house cat, she comes and licks me. 
Though smothered in grease and ill-smelling fat. 
The washing I get is all done by the cat. 
And after I'm licked, my brief life it ceases, 
I'm smashed by Bridget in ten million pieces. 
I call on you, friends, to once more imprecate. 

All (approaching Bridget threateningly) 
Bridget, the monster, the tyrant we hate. 

Kettle 

I guess that it's time that I did some shouting. 
My oratory's fine, 'cause I'm used to spouting; 
Boss of the kitchen by all I am deemed. 
Chock full of steam, that's why I'm esteemed. 



THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 21 

And what makes me mad, what makes me boihng, 

After all day on the range I've been toiling, 

I start to sing, and sing fine, let me mention. 

But Bridget she pays not the slightest attention. 

And when I am singing like some candy kid, 

Bridget she butts in and knocks off my lid. 

That makes me mad, and my temper it spoils. 

Then over I boil. 
Morris Chair 

You're chock full of boils. 
Parlor Clock 

Friend Kettle, your woes set our hearts all aflame. 
All (surrounding Bridget threateningly) 

Bridget, the villain, shame on you, shame. 
Potato Masher 

May I say a word ? 
Parlor Clock 

'Tater masher, stand clear. 
All 

We want no mashers, or dudes around here. 
Knife 

My indignation I'd like to uncork, 

I speak for myself and my wife, Mrs. Fork. 

I feel quite on edge, don't think me a butt-in, 

But my remarks will sharp be and cuttin' . 

When Bridget eats, in her mouth I am put. 

And every trip I go down quite a foot. 

Some day I'll be swallowed. 
Fork 

I'm grieved terriblee; 

Bridget, when eating, makes a toothpick of me. 

Our troubles and trials this heart of mine rends ; 

If things don't improve, we'll cut all our friends. 
Parlor Clock 

Bridget, your conduct deserves condemnation. 

You're a disgrace to the whole of creation. 
Broom 

In most houses I go, I'm cruelly abused ; 



22 THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 

I'm rubbed on the floor, but here I'm not used. 
- I'm stood 'gainst the wall and feel rather lonely, 
In this house, at least, I'm for ornament only. 
So, Bridget, though others are dying to spank you. 
The broom in this house has reason to thank you. 
For lack of respect, pray, do not accuse me, 
You're too lazy, by far, too dirty to use me. 

{^Applause') 
All that you do is to snore and to whistle. 
Mend your ways or you'll bankrupt poor Mister 
Bissell. 
Lamp 

Friend Mr. Broom, say, your sarcasm's fine. 
Mine's light labor, too. 
Broom 

Shut up, you're a shine. 
Lamp 

On the subject before us, may I throw some light? 
Morris Chair 

If you throw things here, there'll soon be a fight. 
Parlor Clock 

Dear friends, this meeting will now soon adjourn. 
But first, ere it does, I would much like to learn 
What punishment we to the hired girl shall mete? 
All 

Place her 'neath a spell, then adjourn and retreat. 
Parlor Clock 

On the Queen of bad dreams I solemnly call. 
To place Bridget at once 'neath her terrible thrall. 
{Nightmare Queen enters right, she 
is dressed in the conventional costume 
of a witch, high conical hat, long black 
cloak; creepy music is played as she 
enters) 
Nightmare Queen 

Bridget, you hear this terrible sentence; 
Too late 'tis now, cruel wretch, for repentance. 
My sentence is this, and we'll carry it through, 



THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 23 

May you be cut into bits and put in a stew ; 
May you sit on a hot range, unable to shriek ; 
Be fried to a cinder ten days every week. 
The biscuits you bake, you miserable elf, 
May you be compelled to eat them yourself. 
The dishes you've broken, their number increases. 
Barefooted may you have to walk on the pieces. 
No more will the clock strike the hours that are 

sped, 
'Twill change things around and strike Bridget 

instead. 
Cross a line may you hang, you miserable cheat, 

you, 
And the rolling pin will chastise you and beat you. 
May each hair you've dropped in the soup, 

wretched sinner, 
Be served to you next Sunday for dinner. 
When you ride in the cars, may you ne'er get a 

seat ; 
May corns big as duck's eggs sprout on your feet. 
May you have ninety sweethearts (this ought to 

wilt you) 
And every sweetheart scorn you and jilt you. 

you. 
May you scrub kitchen floors ninety years without 

pay— 
The dust on the floors growing deeper each day. 
May each waist you buy split right up the back. 
Each time you sit down, may you sit on a tack. 
And, to make this curse especially strong, 
I hope that the tack may be ninety feet long. 
Wherever you go as summer approaches, 
May you be followed by millions of roaches. 
When salary day comes and payment is due, 
May there never be more than three cents for you. 
Every time that you try to lie down to sleep 
May worms, toads, and lizards all over you creep. 
May tarantulas sit on the lids of your eyes, 



24 THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 

And fill your mouth full of spiders and flies. 
May elephants huge take a seat on your chest ; 
Night mares and night horses your slumbers mo- 
lest. 
May rattlesnakes make their nest in your ears, 
And prod your insides with long poisoned spears. 
But worst of all (at your heart this will strike), 
You shall watch Bedelia elope with your Mike. 
All 

Oh, that will be grand, let us see the fun, do. 
Nightmare Queen 

You can see them but they cannot see you. 
A wave of my wand, I bid them appear. 
Maloney, Bedelia. Ah, see, they are here. 

(Enter Mike Maloney and Bedelia, 
arm in arm left. Both deeply inter- 
ested in each other. They pause left 
of center) 
Mike 

Delia, darlint, you know that I love you, 
Into an auto I just want to shove you. 
And run you to church. I do, 'pon my life. 
Just yearn to make you my own darlint wife. 
Bedelia 

Mickey, my darlint, your words they just thrill 

me. 
If poor Bridget knew, I know she would kill me. 
Mike 

Don't speak to me please, of that ignorant cratur. 
Bedelia 

What! don't you love Bridget? 
Mike 

Begobs, no; I hate her. 
We flirted a bit at various stages. 
The poor foolish goat gave me half her wages. 
With money I got from the ignorant thing 
I bought you this elegant gold wedding ring. 

(Bridget screams, makes desperate ef- 



THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 25 

fort to rise, and falls back in chair, 
snorting and groaning vigorously. Her 
eyes remain closed) 
Bedelia 

What's that I hear? Sure, somebody's screaming. 
Nightmare Queen 

'Tis only the hired girl, Bridget, a-dreaming. 
Now for revenge, put the ring on her finger. 

{Points to Bedelia) 
Mike 

Darlint, my wife. 
Nightmare Queen 

Go, no more need you linger. 

{Waving wand) 
Vanish, friends, all, and I'll wake up this fidget. 
All {gradually backing off stage) 

Good-by and bad luck to you, Bridget, Bridget. 
{They scream the last two words, Bridget!) 
{Furniture exits right, kitchen uten- 
sils left, shaking fists. Nightmare 
Queen exits with furniture) 
{Bridget awakens gradually; writhes 
as though struggling to throw off the 
effects of her terrible dream. Blinks 
her eyes, and gasps for breath as 
though choking) 
Bridget 

I'm choking, choking, if I only could scream. 
Oh, that horrible, terrible, wicked old dream ! 

{Screams and drops plate and rolling 
pin; plate smashes. Mrs. Slave Driver, 
Bridget's mistress, enters left) 
Mrs. Slave Driver 

Bridget O'Hooligan, say, what does this mean? 
Why are you making this riotous scene ? 
Carrying on in this terrible way; 
That's the ninety-first platter you've smashed to- 
day ! 



26 THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 

Bridget 

You stand there and ask me what does this mean, 
I've had the night horses ; oh, the things that I've 

seen ! 
Great big elephants sat right on my chest. 
And in each of my ears was a rattlesnake's nest. 
Then a wicked old witch, she cursed me, oh, my ! 
And pink-tailed monkeys ran spears in each eye. 
I had a rhinocerus jump on my back. 
And I sat all day on a ten-inch tack; 
And the clock and the furniture all went on a 

strike ; 
And Delia, the villain, eloped with my Mike. 

{Weeps) 
Mrs. Slave Driver 

Serves you jiist right, you should keep wide 

awake. 
Quit slothful dreaming, you deserve a good shake. 
Burglars have burgled the house while you slept ; 
The cat likewise to the icebox has crept. 
And has eaten the steak I ordered for dinner. 
You need a good thrashing {To audience) 

I'd just like to skin her. 
Of your mean, wretched ways I'm sick and I'm 

tired. 
Your trunk pack and go ; understand Miss, you're 
fired. 
Bridget 

Fired, oh, dear ! I'm clean hoodooed to-day. 
Mrs. Slave Driver 

Pack your trunk. Miss, at once; and here's your 
month's pay. 

{Hands Bridget money. Bridget stag- 
gers and gasps) 
Bridget 

What ! only ten cents ! 
Mrs. Slave Driver 

Yes, you ought to be thrashed. 



THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 2^ 

"Fifteen-ninety's" deducted for plates that you've 

smashed. 
Now, pack your trunk, quick, your engagement is 

through, 
I've had all the sauce that I want from you. 

(Exits left. Bridget sinks into chair 
by table) 

Bridget 

Honest, now honest, ain't that just a crime? 
Turned out in the world with only a dime (Cries) 
And then the mean thing says I ought to be 

thrashed. 
What's china for, if it ain't to be smashed ? 
Oh, Mickey ; what made you behave to me so? 
Heart-broken, penniless, nowhere to go. 
Oh, world, cruel world, my grief is intense; 
Turned out on the streets and with only ten cents. 
(Buries her head in hands and sobs 
loudly) 

(Enter Alike Maloney left. Goes to 
table center, and leans over Bridget; 
caresses her hair) 
Mike 

Bridget! 
Bridget (rising and indignantly pushing him from 
her) 

Cruel wretch, do not dare to come near. 
Mike 

Why, what is the matter, sweet Bridget, my dear? 
Tell me what ails you, is there no relief? 
Bridget 

Monster, don't come here to scoff at my grief. 
Begone, false deceiver, go home to your wife. 
Mike 

You're clean off your base, you are, 'pon my life. 
Bridget 

You married Bedelia, and think that is funny, 



28 THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 

And you bought the ring, you scamp, with my 
money, 
Mike 

Here's the ring, now, and this ring you must wxar 
it. (Producing ring) 

Bridget (astonished) 

You're really not married? 
Mike 

Honest, I swear it. 
Bridget 

But I saw you married. 
Mike 

You're crazy, you're dreaming. 
Bridget (after a pause, as though in deep thought) 
The truth on my mind now slowly is gleaming. 
But you flirted with Delia. 
Mike 

I like your gall. 
Cops never flirt, darlint; you're jealous, that's all. 
Now, pack up your trunk, the minister's waiting, 
And off to the church we'll quickly be skating. 
Bridget 

But the night mares and night horses? 
Mike 

Leave them to hub. 
If night mares chase you, they'll get soaked with 
a club. (Shakes club) 

Bridget 

Will you get a divorce if I smash dishes, Mike ? 
Mike 

I've bought dishes of iron, smash them if you 
like. 
Bridget 

If roaches appear, will you scold me and wail? 
Mike 

I'll arrest them, begobs, and put 'em in jail. 
Bridget 

But I've only ten cents. 



THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 29 

Mike 

Don't mind that, honey ; 
I'm raised to a sergeant; I've lots of money. 
Bridget 

So the clouds have all vanished, smiles followed 
tears. 

{Clock, furniture, and kitchen utensils 
enter as before) 
Parlor Clock 

Bridget, we've come here to give you three cheers. 
The past we'll forget, forgiveness is holy; 
Accept the blessings of the furniture lowlv. 
All 

Three cheers for Bridget, we all wish her bliss. 

(All cheer) 
Mike 

Thanks to you all, I'll seal that with a kiss. 

(Kisses Bridget) 
Bridget 

Thanks, thanks to you all, my love you shall share. 

For good fortune has come from "Bridget's 
Nightmare." 

(Picture — Curtain) 



NEW MUSICAL NOVELTIES FOR 

QUARTETS, CLUBS, SINGING 

SOCIETIES, ETC. 

"THE TRUTH POTION." 
By Arthur A. Penn. 
Musical Sketch for Female Quartet. 
A unique and entirely original musical sketch for 
ladies' quartet. One of the principal characters is that 
of the mysterious old woman (contralto) bearing the 
Truth Potien which she urges those around her to 
drink. She tells them it is Truth taken from the bot- 
tom of the well. In ''The Truth Potion" there is more 
of real interest than is often found in longer and more 
elaborate dramas, and plenty of opportunity for real 
dramatic action and effects. 

Price, 75 cents, postpaid. 

"WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE LOW." 

By Arthur A. Penn. 
Musical Sketch for Mixed Quartet and One Baritone. 

The predominating theme in this sketch is love, which 
is cleverly carried through song, verse and prose. The 
subject is presented in a mock sentimental manner so 
as to be almost ludicrous, and never fails of producing 
laughter and applause from an audience. The songs 
are bright and pleasing, and, taken as a whole, "When 
the Lights Are Low" makes an interesting and suc- 
cessful entertainment. 

Price, 75 cents, postpaid. 

"BACHELORS AND BENEDICTS." 

By Arthur A. Penn. 

Musical Sketch for Male Quartet or Octet or for 

Glee Club. 

A laughable short sketch for men's quartet. The 
songs are convivially humorous and catchy, and breathe 
of jolly good fellowship. They add snap and merri- 
ment to the entertainment, while the play on words 
is excellent. This sketch can be undertaken and car- 
ried out very successfully, with little trouble, as there 
are no costumes or scenic effects required. 

Price, 75 cents, postpaid. 

M. WITMARK & SONS 

87 Witmark Bldg. New York 

POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 



NOVEL ENTERTAINMENTS AND 
SKETCHES 

"THE EARTH CHILD." 
By Jessie Gertrude Crista. 
. A Novel Pantomine Play for Children. 
The charm of the fairy tale, which held us its will- 
ing captives as children, is reproduced in the Earth 
Child. The principal character, Hilda, is willfully diso- 
bedient, and when overtaken by the Brownies, is res- 
cued from a deep sleep by the Fairies; and Golden 
Hair, reprimanding her for her disobedience, starts 
her on her homeward way. The situations are very 
pleasing and original, and it is a delightful entertain- 
ment that may be given very easily. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid 
"CHATTERTON." 
A Dramatic Scene for 1 Male. 
This is the life story of Chatterton, the poet, who died 
about 1770. It is a very beautiful and pathetic story, 
full of dramatic possibilities. It is easily played, and 
can be enacted in evening clothes with almost as much 
success as in costume and with all the stage accessories. 
Entirely different in style and treatment from the ordi- 
nary "dramatic recitation," and may well be termed a 
classic. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid 

"BARBARA'S DILEMMA." 

Comedy in one act for 1 Female and 1 Boy. 

(Can also be used as monologue without boy.) 

A pretty little story of the caprices of a coquette who 

has three beaux on a string, "and who, when she finally 

imagines she is going to lose all of them, makes her 

choice of the one she really loves the best and all ends 

happily. Full of dainty, delightful comedy touches, 

and a splendid opportunity for a comedienne. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid 

"THE BIRTH OF OLD GLORY." 

A Betsy Ross Sewing Party. 

This original dramatic sketch represents the nativity 

of the "Stars and Stripes" in the eventful year of 1776. 

The characters are the Goddess of Liberty, Betsy 

Ross, Uncle Sam, Columbia, and the Thirteen Original 

States, all of whom meet to sew and dedicate the first 

flag of the nation. This pietty entertainment, with 

its patriotic symbolism and musical and decorative 

features, is very desirable for young people of both 

sexes. Price, 25 cents, postpaid 

M. WITMARK & SONS 

87 Witmark Bldg. New York 

POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 



NOV U ISIS 



MUSICAL PLAYS 
'THE ANIMAL CONVENTION, OR THE 
BARNYARD PROTEST." 

A charming entertainment introducing as characters 
the Rooster, the Horse, the Hog, the Gander, the Duck, 
the Sheep, the Cow, the Cat, the Dog, the Monkey, 
and the Parrot. May be performed with or without 
costumes or scenery. Each performer can wear around 
the neck a piece of ribbon to which can be attached 
a large card bearing in bold print the name of the ani- 
mal represented; or the participants can wear appro- 
priate masks. The animals' laments are most amusing 
and will afford no end of entertainment to both audi- 
ence and performers. Written in verse, this delightful 
entertainment has proven to be very popular. It makes 
a valuable acquisition to an animal party. 
Price, 25 cents, postpaid 

"THE WEATHER MAN'S DREAM; OR THE 

MEETING OF THE WINDS." 

A Humorous Controversy. 

This is a very "breezy" entertainment for young folks, 

and contains a strong element of novelty. The weather 

man calls in the North, South, East and West winds, 

and each explains his aim and objects with great effect. 

They are all eventually routed, the Weather Man along 

with them, by Mr. Cyclone, who, as usual, has his own 

way. The action of the piece, which may be done 

with or without costumes, is greatly enhanced by the 

use of incidental music and wind-whistles, the latter 

being employed with astonishing effect. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid 

"THE BARGAIN HUNTERS." 

By Arthur A. Penn. 

A Musical Satire published in operatic form, for 4 Males 

and 5 Females. Chorus ad libitum. 

The theme of this bright little operetta is the bar- 
gain hunting craze; and the scene is laid in the wait- 
ing room of a large department store. Here the dif- 
ferent characters meet and discuss the marvelous bar- 
gains they secured, and here also George Piper falls 
in love with his pretty cousin Peggy and wins her 
heart aad hand, and Major Button takes under his pro- 
tection for life, Miss Annie Oldthing, a bargain-hunt- 
ing spinster. The story is worked out with bright and 
witty dialogue, and the musical setting is pretty and 
melodious, but not difficult to sing. 

Price, 75 <^^i^^pq;st|^d. 

M. WITmWk"^§?)NS 

B7 Witmark Bldg. *^^ ^^ New York 

POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 



HARRY NEWTON'S ONE-ACT COMEDY 
SKETCHES AND MONOLOGUES 

"DOWN IN PARADISE ALLEY." 

An East Side episode for i male and I female, by 
Harry L. Newton. 
Tells a delightful story of a young college grad- 
uate who has fallen in love with Jerry O'Connell, a 
little East Side street singer, living in Paradise 
AHey, New York. A charming little playlet in 
which comedy and pathos are beautifully blended. 
The specialties introduced throughout the playlet 
are at the option of the performers. 
Price, 25 Cents, Postpaid. 
"AN INVITATION TO THE BALL." 
A comedy sketch in i scene for i male and i female, 
by Harry L. Newton. 
Plenty of work and good comedy for Mose John- 
son, a colored servant, and Birdie Birdsell, the 
daughter of his master, who has made up her mind 
to attend a masque ball with Mose in attendance. 
Price, 25 Cents, Postpaid. 
"A ROSE OF MEXICO." 
A comedy-dramatic playlet of Mexican life, by 
Harry L. Newton. 
An original dramatic playlet for i male and i 
female, the scene of which is laid in Mexico. 

The story is of absorbing interest centered 
around Carmita, a Mexican girl, recently returned 
from school in the United States. Pedro, a Mex- 
ican youth, has turned bandit in her absence to se- 
cure money enough to ask her to marry him. He 
discovers that she loves one Frank Carter, a young 
engineer. He threatens Carter's life and at the 
same time admits that he has stolen the pay roH, 
which Carter may be accused of stealing. By 
stratagem she obtains his bowie knife and revolver 
and compels him to give up the stolen money, sav- 
ing her sweetheart's honor thereby. 

Price, 25 Cents, Postpaid. 

M. WITMARK & SONS 

87 Witmark B^l^^S^^t New York 

POSITIVELY NO O'LAYS EXCHANGED. 



CHARLES DICKSON'S FAMOUS ONE-ACT 

PLAYS 

(ROYALTY PRODUCTIONS.) 
"THE SALT CELLAR" 

Adapted from the French by Henry Doblin. 

This delightful comedy of domestic life, originally 
played as a curtain raiser to **Incog" by Mr. Charles 
Dickson with Lillian Burkhart and Louis Mann. For 
years there has been a demand for this little play and 
we are sure the fact of its being released and published 
will be hailed with delight. 

While "The Salt Cellar" is remarkably amusing, its 
great popularity rests upon the fact that it is so abso- 
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table "chapter from real life." 

It is the story of a hysterical little bride and her new- 
ly wedded husband and their first dinner in the new 
home, to which they have invited their old uncle. They 
have agreed never to quarrel with each other and are 
in the very ecstacies of their honeymoon, when the 
bride accidentally upsets the salt cellar at the dinner 
table and the old superstition with reference to the 
salt cellar involves them in one of the fiercest of do- 
mestic quarrels, which finally terminates with the com- 
plete subjugation of the new husband. 

This play will live as long as human nature. 
Price, 25 cents, postpaid 

"THE THIRD CHAPTER" 
Adapted from the French by Charles Dickson. 

This is an adaption from the French, the leading 
parts of which have been played by every prominent 
actor and actress on the French, German and English 
stage for the past fifty years or more. It is the most 
perfect example, in form and construction, of the one- 
act comedy extant and may be designated a classic. 

There are other versions of this play in existence, 
but this is the version adapted by Mr. Dickson and 
played by him throughout America nearly one thousand 
times. 

It is the best acting version of the comedy now 
known in the English language, the result of the many 
times that Mr. Dickson has played it. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid 



M. WITMARK & SONS 

87 Witmark Bldg. New York 

POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 




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